Letter to America: The Aussie Factor

by | Friday 8 January 2016

Sydney Australia
Letter To America
The Aussie Factor

Dear Americans,

In 2016 you face the awesome challenge of not only electing a new President but also a new Leader of the Free World. As a prominent member of the Free World Australia’s future prospects will be significantly impacted by your choice.

Given that we are disenfranchised in this process I hope you will understand my compulsion to do some lobbying in an effort to ensure our interests are not overlooked altogether. We are finding that membership of the Free World under Obama has become noticeably more expensive.

Obama cancelled three visits to Australia and on the fourth attempt stayed less than twenty-four hours. During this visit he stressed that there was a strong permanent bond between our two countries which wasn’t all that surprising because you would never treat a mistress like that.

George W Bush appeared to come here under the impression he was attending a G20 meeting in Austria.

Bill Clinton would probably have treated Australia like a mistress but Hillary came here with him.

Disappointingly none of the candidates in the primaries have yet announced a definitive policy on Australia. However Trump seems to have nicked our immigration policy and there are rumours that if he gets the Republican nomination he’s coming here for a course in crocodile wrangling before taking on Hillary.

At this point in history it is especially critical that the US elects an Aussiephile President because China is making a concerted attempt to replace you in our affections.

We’re attracted by their wealth and takeaway and they’re the prime customers for Aussie takeaway like iron ore, beef and koalas. It’s rather a sweet relationship but it can sour very easily.

So we Aussies are looking to you to elect a President with whom we can form a relationship that transcends even our dedication to watching B movies in the middle of the night starring Ronald Reagan.

We would prefer a Leader of the Free World like Marco Rubio who seems to understand that a good portion of it exists outside the US. We’re apprehensive that if Hillary gets the gig our relationship could suffer from the tyranny of distance and we could end up as stuffed as the embassy in Benghazi.

Please do your best for us.

Roger Pugh